I promise.. This will not be a rant. I'll leave that to a later date and a different me.

Time flies.. It doesn't wait for anyone or anything. I learned that the hard way. It's been more than two years since my last post. Frankly, I hadn't even thought of adding anything else. I had doomed my mind to the rigmarole of getting drunk and typing.. only to delete all of it the next day. But hey, i'm sober now.. and typing... no music in the background driving me to the depths of the depression I wallow in.

Life has changed a lot in these years. I'm earning my keep. I finally have furniture that I can call mine. I fulfilled a few of my minor dreams.. like owning a hookah.. learning to drive stick (by myself).. creating a collection of graphic novels.. amassing at least a hundred DVDs.. getting hammered on good scotch (at times).. learning to appreciate a good cigar with a snifter of cognac.. getting at least one tattoo.. teaching myself to cook my mum's chicken curry.. owning a gaming platform and a home theater..riding a jet ski.. skydiving.. meeting friends after a long time.. reconnecting..

It's lonely again. It was good when I wasn't alone. But life goes on.. I'm back to what I was about whenever i was alone.. the sights, the sounds, the flavors... I've learned that the best way to live with pain is to embrace it. The best way to survive each day is to enjoy the little joys. To feel the itch on the scabs on the tattoo. The flavour of freshly ground coffee in the morning. The first chords of a good song. The taste of good food. A good drink in the evening... a good conversation..

I am back to being the silhouette.. the blank space that needs to be filled.. it might just take me the resot f my life.. but hey... that's life anyways... smile.

THE CERTAINTY OF UNCERTAINTY....
Random thoughts on a random night.


I really don't know how to begin this. Frankly, I don't even know what, and more importantly, why I'm typing this.
Let me see, I am at a crossroad of my life. There are things happening over which I have no control, and there are things which I can, and then there are the ones where I'm just letting the flow take me as it pleases. I'm beginning to see more of my faults, some I know how to fix, and some I don't. Is this me growing up?
It's a feeling that is as indescribable as love. Sometimes it feels like confusion, sometimes it feels like certainty, and sometimes it feels like I'm on a roller coaster and the controls just broke down. I feel like doing a million things at the same time, and then I feel like the laziest person in the universe. I shouldn't even be doing this right now, but hell, I am.
I feel like I'm changing, but it's worse than puberty. Physical changes just get us confused till we get over it, but, this one is different. With puberty, we are not conscious enough to realize it, but now, it's from the inside. I have no premonition about it, no reason behind it, and no idea about the end result. It's like seeing a shapeless mass, which can turn into a thing of supreme beauty, and complexity, or into a monstrosity without rhyme or reason or connection. Sometimes i just scare myself.
But, there is one constant, one anchor, one drop of light in the darkness. Something i know will be there irrespective of the beast I become. Everyone falls, some get up, some stay down. I refuse to stay down. If I have to fight the darkness, I will. I will embrace the pain, I will become the darkness, I will accept an eternity of suffering, as long as I can breathe the freedom my spirit desires. I am scarred from my past. The present is adding to my little list, and, the future promises no different. They will not leave me. It will be my choice however, to let them be, or to use them to create something that not only serves as a reminder of the being I was, but, also of the being I am, and the being I wanted to be.

here's something i had written a long time back...
i haven't changed anything in the content or the style..
you'd call it a short story.. i call it me.

WHISPER IN THE WIND

Darkness.. That is all I can see about me. It’s filling up all the voids that have been left in my life. It’s consuming me it’s dragging me into it’s unfathomable depths, from where I can never return. It’s numbing my senses; it’s pulling me over the edge.

A sudden draught of cold wind brings me back to reality and the night surrounding me. I find myself sitting on top of the stadium, on the boundary wall. Below me is a fifty foot drop, which ends in a cold harsh surface of unfinished concrete. I feel my pockets and pull out an envelope. It’s already opened and it’s contents have already been read. My mind screams to me to put the letter back, but it seems that my body has mutinied against me. My hands unfold the letter and my weary eyes read the lines again.

“… It’s been a while since we’ve actually written to each other. A lot seems to have happened in between…” I met her ages ago. My mind unconsciously takes me down memory lane. Images pass before my eyes.

The first time I was introduced to her.. The geography class where we sat next to each other.. The not so frequent tiffs we used to have between periods.. the first time I told her I loved her.. “…Life has changed all around us. I don’t know about you, but I have changed. I’ve changed a lot since the last time we were together…”

It isn’t the first time I’ve read the letter, but invariably I find my heart going cold as I read the last part.. “I’ve changed”. I knew what was coming after that, but no matter how hard I tried, I never managed to prepare myself for the inevitable.. “… He’s finished his engineering and has a job… and we’ve been going about… I hope you wont be angry… I’m sorry…”

Those last two words kept striking back at me, “I’m sorry”. The letter was like a scissor. It had severed off another of the few threads that were keeping me alive. What’s worse, the remaining threads were not strong enough either. Thus, I found myself on the edge on my life.

I let the letter float away from me. Let the wind do as it wills. After all, it cannot save me. Random thoughts flash by. It’s as if I’m reliving my life in the few seconds that are left for me to live. I think of all those who were close to me. My mind tries to reason with me.. Aren’t they enough for a man to keep on living? Isn’t the love and affection received from them enough to support one’s life, if not for oneself, for them?

My heart refuses to relent. I did receive love from them, but it was parental love. I crave for more than just that. I thought I’d get what I’d wanted, but my dreams remain dreams. Reality is too cold for me. I think it’s time I finished this, once.. and for all.. I’m sorry.

I put my forearms on the brickwork that’s supporting my weight. I brace myself for the final jump, into space. My mind still refuses to relent. It fires one last shot. Time stops. I see only one face. It’s not ravishingly beautiful, but it’s the eyes. The one look that had taken my senses by storm, the first time I saw them. I had met her a year ago, while in college. She was my only confidant and probably my only friend. She had proposed to me, but I had been cold to her. But, those eyes.. My mind tells me that there is still another chance to get what I want, what I crave, and what I dream about. “Life has changed around us..” I think it’s time I changed myself.. I’m sorry.

My hands, once ready to push me to oblivion, now hoist my frame on the thin edge of the wall. It’ll be a new life, a life that I will love and love, for myself and for her. The wind blows into my short and instills in me a fresh lease of life and enthusiasm. I put my first foot forward to anew beginning. I slip on the tin edge. My body sways, regains balance, and loses it again; taking me over the edge.. The wind carries forth two words.. a whisper that dies out without anyone hearing them.. “I’m sorry.”

Friends....

I have met many people in my life and just like anyone else.. I have made a few friends in my life.. This is a tribute to the few people who have made an impact to my life..

I may leave most readers jaded.. But bear with me.. This is something I needed to do for a long time.. Mind you.. It’s not for the people I mention, nor for you, dear reader.. But for me.

I really don’t remember the earlier phases of my life.. The only recollections of that phase were of moving every few years.. Not that great a chance of my making long term friends then.. Not to mention the inherent immaturity in our personas at that age... so, let’s begin from the more "impressionable" phases of our lives..


Sutirtha Datta,
we met at schematic tutorials, in the 10th grade.. unlike me.. he was good looking, was a witty guy and had a friend circle of his own... so where do I fit in??
it was like a spontaneous reaction.. nothing needs to be done.. it just happens. I do need to mention that the first introduction was done by Bhaswar.. we kind of went our ways after ICSE, but it just so happened that we ended up in the same chem. tuition.. and there was the advent of the wackiest trio in history.. we were notorious in other tuition's (ones I never joined) for being the brains behind some of the most dastardly pranks ever..
his academic brilliance will require more than the time I can spare.. so I shall leave it to saying that he's the next Darvin in the making.
right now.. he's in JNU working on neuroscience.. and soon he'll be in the "hallowed land" too.
on a more personal note, he was the best study partner I could dream of.. not to mention his highly imaginative and extensive repertoire of curses.. enough to keep you rolling about in absolute mirth..

Shaktimoy Bannerjee,
the first thing I will say about him.. six feet three inches.. while he was in the eighth grade.
a solid British accent behind the beautifully baritone voice.. and a highly analytical brain to go with the concoction. we shared the last bench throughout the tenth grade, and my oh my.. what a ride it was.. we were the two guys who were picked on the most in school, and strangely, that was one thing that was never the cause of our friendship.. I don’t remember talking to him outside school, but in school.. we could converse over everything and anything..
after ICSE time marched on.. we went our own ways, but some things are bound by fate.. and we are back in touch..

Horit Bhattacharya,
my greatest nemesis before the tenth grade finished, but one of my only friends in the eleventh and twelfth grades. we knew that we had similar interests in music, but we never went beyond that till we finished our exams..
and then it began... the realm of the metal heads.
he has this unlimited capacity for researching about things he likes and not to mention, he has the best tastes in music (by this I mean any sort of metal..) that I have known. I can safely say that he was the only reason I managed to survive the last two years of school.
we lost touch once we left school.. but we'd end up meeting in the semester breaks till he moved out of Calcutta. we've kind of lost touch.. but I know that we will meet again, and the headbanger's ball can begin again.

Teenenjali Sengupta,
my first attempt at a girlfriend.
we met at schematics.. were in the same class for half of the ninth, and most of tenth.. she coaxed the truth about my "feelings for her" midway through the tenth.
it was smooth sailing for me.. the only point was that I never even held her hand till I shook it two years later when I said goodbye for the last time. I was a kid, it was an infatuation, and because of that, we have been friends even after the "breakup." as far as I can see now, she has changed quite a bit from the person I knew.. and she says that I have changed drastically..
oh well, to each his own..

Pallab Basu,
Polly
the one person I used to get into fights with in college, and one of the few people to have stuck by me when the going got tough. we hated each other's guts.. him, for my straightforward attitude, and love for metal music.. me for his badly timed cracks at me..
there have been numerous occasions when we have been murderously angry with each other, but, we're both the type who forgive and forget quickly. I don’t think we ever went beyond a few mistimed punches.
I need to mention, he's the most emotionally driven person I have met in my whole life, my favorite smoking partner.. and a die hard sports fan.
oh, another thing.. he's a pretty decent cook. we survived on his culinary skills for one year.. and I am ever thankful for that.. it was way better than the half cooked grog we had to eat for three years in the hostels.


Anirban Tarafdar,
Jove.. Socrates Revisited
the debate king.. speaker par excellence.. sharp student.. good man.. and an extremely whacky dress sense.
that is the fastest way of describing him. the only guy in our gang known to be steady with his girl.. but mind you dear reader.. he was, and still is a womanizer.. of sorts..
why do I call him Socrates Revisited? because he knows something about everything.. and loves asking questions which don’t have easy answers.
one of the three most level headed guys I used to hang out with.. and not to mention.. he is a headbanger of sorts..

Aditya Suresh,
the psychoanalyst..
he knows exactly what goes on in your head. and he knows how to get you out of that mental rut which has been bugging you for eternity.. he's been given an infinite number if nicknames by the people around him, but to me. he's simply Adi. Jove's roommate for three years.. and with an equally weird dress sense.. coupled with a hypnotic love for coffee, he's the one person I could trust with any secret. wild with his kinetic (I hear he finally upgraded to a bike).. enough to leave my behind aching for hours after twenty minutes on it.. but an excellent driver none the less. a handy cook, and an aspiring tabla player
another thing worth mentioning.. he's blessed with the coolest parents ever. uncle and aunty are the type who understand the mental capacities of the people of our age.. not to mention they are extremely pragmatic and understanding about the way we live. though they will kick you if you try being unruly... great people.. period.
his only problem is with women.. most o them consider him to be their big brother.. or good friend.. sucks.. I know.. but, I do think that is changing too.. I wish him the best in that department.. I have immense faith in him.

Arundhati Chaudhury,
sister dear.
we met in the eleventh grade.. and I can never call her a friend.. she's always been a sister to me.. the sister I never had.. bubbly, sometimes pragmatic.. sometimes kiddish.. the embodiment of the word "sweet".. with a heart of gold.. and the hands of Stallone.. God save the poor soul who gets slapped by her.
all I hope for her, is a peaceful life. nothing more nothing less.

Soma Podder
Soma Di.. Muse..
the first time I met her.. I thought she would never like me.. later she told me that she thought the same.. and there we were.. two travelers at a junction.. a few days of contact and the bond we shared has become something indescribable and unbreakable. she is my muse.

and finally...

Sayandeep Basak,
my roommate.. my opposite.. my conscience..
words cannot describe the chemistry we share. it's like the real life representation of Yin and Yang. no one expected us to coexist when we were to be roommates in the second year of college.. by the time we finished.. we didn’t know what we'd do without the other around.. this guy was my punching bag.. my best advisor.. my only motivator in the most dire circumstances..
I can honestly say that there is no other guy who I can live with apart from him..
I could write more about him.. but I choose not to.. this is one relation I cherish more that the others.. and this, dear reader, is something I will not share with anyone..
some things are best left untold.

But hey.. I haven't told you about someone yet.. someone far more important than the ones I mentioned (and this is something sayan told me once)..
someday I might.. but that depends on fate..
I don’t like believing in fate.. where I don’t have the power to make my choices.. but this person makes me want to believe in it.. or at least to make me mould my own fate..
Only time will tell..

here's some things i had typed a long time back... just so the reader gets an idea as to what i was.. and what i can be....

Oct 20, '05, first.. last????

i normally dont find the idea of sitting down in front of a computer to "pen" my thoughts to be that appealing... but now-a days.. noone's completely normal. we think that we are but we come face to face with the truth when reaity bites us in the face. the venom acts in strange ways. sometimes it loses its effect instantaneously, sometimes its slow to act and sometimes it finishes off its victim in a matter of seconds.

i know i'm being completely pessimistic.. thats a good part of my rotting persona.. i can be nice, perky and optimistic, but that would mean that i'm either having a good day, or i'm just trying to be nice even though i'm getting ripped to shreds inside.. its just the way this world has made me...

Nov 11, 05 Whatever...

so, what else is new. every day that passes before my eyes is just another illusion of the time that i am wasting by just sleeping and smoking. i feel that by the time i get out of college, i will have slept my whole quota of sleep for the rest of my life. i get the same feeling that Lester Burnam got in American Beauty. sedated. probably the only difference between us is that he was married and i am not. what can a man do in this sort of society. there is nothing that can be termed as constructive, and if it is.. its too damn time consuming for our lazy arses to actually do it. call it pessimism, i'll call it life..

what does it feel like to be in limbo?
for a person like me.. it'll be "been there.. done that.."

i spent four years in a place which had me thinking about my bleak future.. driving me to the point of suicide and back... now.. the canvas has changed, but the colors are the same.. within the space of one month, i had moved to the other side of the globe.. and now i am in the midst of the "hallowed land" and still thinking about what my future holds for me...

this blog will be my mind.. my memories.. my lone friend.. and my limited vacabulary.. nothing more.. nothing less..