Sunday, August 26, 2007

Random thoughts on a random night.

I really don't know how to begin this. Frankly, I don't even know what, and more importantly, why I'm typing this.
Let me see, I am at a crossroad of my life. There are things happening over which I have no control, and there are things which I can, and then there are the ones where I'm just letting the flow take me as it pleases. I'm beginning to see more of my faults, some I know how to fix, and some I don't. Is this me growing up?
It's a feeling that is as indescribable as love. Sometimes it feels like confusion, sometimes it feels like certainty, and sometimes it feels like I'm on a roller coaster and the controls just broke down. I feel like doing a million things at the same time, and then I feel like the laziest person in the universe. I shouldn't even be doing this right now, but hell, I am.
I feel like I'm changing, but it's worse than puberty. Physical changes just get us confused till we get over it, but, this one is different. With puberty, we are not conscious enough to realize it, but now, it's from the inside. I have no premonition about it, no reason behind it, and no idea about the end result. It's like seeing a shapeless mass, which can turn into a thing of supreme beauty, and complexity, or into a monstrosity without rhyme or reason or connection. Sometimes i just scare myself.
But, there is one constant, one anchor, one drop of light in the darkness. Something i know will be there irrespective of the beast I become. Everyone falls, some get up, some stay down. I refuse to stay down. If I have to fight the darkness, I will. I will embrace the pain, I will become the darkness, I will accept an eternity of suffering, as long as I can breathe the freedom my spirit desires. I am scarred from my past. The present is adding to my little list, and, the future promises no different. They will not leave me. It will be my choice however, to let them be, or to use them to create something that not only serves as a reminder of the being I was, but, also of the being I am, and the being I wanted to be.


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