Saturday, December 09, 2006

here's something i had written a long time back...
i haven't changed anything in the content or the style..
you'd call it a short story.. i call it me.


Darkness.. That is all I can see about me. It’s filling up all the voids that have been left in my life. It’s consuming me it’s dragging me into it’s unfathomable depths, from where I can never return. It’s numbing my senses; it’s pulling me over the edge.

A sudden draught of cold wind brings me back to reality and the night surrounding me. I find myself sitting on top of the stadium, on the boundary wall. Below me is a fifty foot drop, which ends in a cold harsh surface of unfinished concrete. I feel my pockets and pull out an envelope. It’s already opened and it’s contents have already been read. My mind screams to me to put the letter back, but it seems that my body has mutinied against me. My hands unfold the letter and my weary eyes read the lines again.

“… It’s been a while since we’ve actually written to each other. A lot seems to have happened in between…” I met her ages ago. My mind unconsciously takes me down memory lane. Images pass before my eyes.

The first time I was introduced to her.. The geography class where we sat next to each other.. The not so frequent tiffs we used to have between periods.. the first time I told her I loved her.. “…Life has changed all around us. I don’t know about you, but I have changed. I’ve changed a lot since the last time we were together…”

It isn’t the first time I’ve read the letter, but invariably I find my heart going cold as I read the last part.. “I’ve changed”. I knew what was coming after that, but no matter how hard I tried, I never managed to prepare myself for the inevitable.. “… He’s finished his engineering and has a job… and we’ve been going about… I hope you wont be angry… I’m sorry…”

Those last two words kept striking back at me, “I’m sorry”. The letter was like a scissor. It had severed off another of the few threads that were keeping me alive. What’s worse, the remaining threads were not strong enough either. Thus, I found myself on the edge on my life.

I let the letter float away from me. Let the wind do as it wills. After all, it cannot save me. Random thoughts flash by. It’s as if I’m reliving my life in the few seconds that are left for me to live. I think of all those who were close to me. My mind tries to reason with me.. Aren’t they enough for a man to keep on living? Isn’t the love and affection received from them enough to support one’s life, if not for oneself, for them?

My heart refuses to relent. I did receive love from them, but it was parental love. I crave for more than just that. I thought I’d get what I’d wanted, but my dreams remain dreams. Reality is too cold for me. I think it’s time I finished this, once.. and for all.. I’m sorry.

I put my forearms on the brickwork that’s supporting my weight. I brace myself for the final jump, into space. My mind still refuses to relent. It fires one last shot. Time stops. I see only one face. It’s not ravishingly beautiful, but it’s the eyes. The one look that had taken my senses by storm, the first time I saw them. I had met her a year ago, while in college. She was my only confidant and probably my only friend. She had proposed to me, but I had been cold to her. But, those eyes.. My mind tells me that there is still another chance to get what I want, what I crave, and what I dream about. “Life has changed around us..” I think it’s time I changed myself.. I’m sorry.

My hands, once ready to push me to oblivion, now hoist my frame on the thin edge of the wall. It’ll be a new life, a life that I will love and love, for myself and for her. The wind blows into my short and instills in me a fresh lease of life and enthusiasm. I put my first foot forward to anew beginning. I slip on the tin edge. My body sways, regains balance, and loses it again; taking me over the edge.. The wind carries forth two words.. a whisper that dies out without anyone hearing them.. “I’m sorry.”


Blogger Fenix said...

so you put it up here too... way to go pal...

10:18 PM  

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